Everyone gossips over text messaging. It stupidly feels like a safe space, a good way to air your grievances. That being said, you better be paranoid when you do it. Because isn’t one of our worst fears sending an incriminating text to the wrong person? Ex: “I think Sarah is an alcoholic…”. You meant to send that to your friend Carey but lo and behold, your brain short-circuited and you actually sent it to Sarah. You realize it the moment you send it but there are no takebacks. And then you have to live your life in dreaded agony for Sarah’s response which will be probably be along the lines of “I think you meant to send that to someone else…” What the hell do you then? Say April Fool’s? Let’s go to happy hour? You’re screwed.
Even though we like to pretend we’re 90 and can’t hang, the fear of missing out an amazing night keeps us going out to parties and bars. “I really want to stay in with Netflix but this party could be fun and change my life!” Unless you meet your future partner, it never really does but it beats watching your life pass you by in a nightgown.
Have you ever had your computer stop working? It’s agony. It feels like you’re actually withdrawing from drugs. You wander aimlessly around your apartment asking yourself, “Well, what do I do without my computer? Seriously. WHAT DO I DO?” Then things turn #dark and you become a person needing a hit. You’ll text everyone in your phone “Um, can I come over and use your internet?” and some will respond, “Um, sure.” You’ll come over immediately and check your email, Facebook and Twitter and think “Um, is that it? That’s what I’ve been needing a hit of?” Yes. Yes it is.
We’re sort of all insecure wrecks, aren’t we? The funny thing about me is that I want everyone to like me regardless if I actually like them back. It’s sick! I can seriously hate someone’s guts but I will freak out if they hate me back. “Wait, you don’t like me? Why not? What can I do to win your approval, Person I Hate Anyway!” Everyone is so self-conscious and afraid of being That Person who enters a social situation and people are like “Uggghhh. This dude. Jesus.” We have a right to be afraid! We can be cruel judge-y people! One false move at a social gathering and people will get ideas fixed in their head about you.
“You’re getting married? That means you’re winning the Life race. I’m not married. I’m married to my job, my cat, and Nutella, and I’m pretty okay about all of it until you tell me that you’re getting married. That’s when I begin to question all of my life choices and wonder if I screwed up somehow. But yeah, I’ll RSVP. There better be good cake though.”
So when do I get health insurance? Is that just a thing no one gets anymore? Is that a ludicrous thing to ask for? WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME? STOP IT! Can I just be put in a bubble and hope nothing bad happens to me ever? Do I need to cave and work at a corporate coffee shop or a vintage store because they have benefits? Hello? Is anyone there?
Honorary mentions: Gluten, being loved in a healthy way, sending a “crazy” text message, exes’ Facebooks, your friends becoming more successful than you, and sobriety.